There are just those days when there is energy but is seems to be of an anxious sort. Nothing terrible, just a looming sense of should haves and must dos. There is a Super Blue Moon tomorrow which some say will hold wisdom as to what we should release in our lives that no longer serves us. That can be a very tall order indeed, not that I haven't given it some thought. No harm in thinking about letting go of things that hold you back. However, I can't disagree that whenever Mercury goes retrograde, this happens. I never knew what that even meant until a few years ago but whenever it occurs, I could bet on feeling this way each time. The low vibrational energy and feeling a loss of direction. Might we be responding to the movement of the universe like babies respond to vibration of the womb? Or are we living in our minds too much?
So, instead of getting some things in order for tomorrow (my first day meeting folks at my new job), I spent the day cutting, sorting, and bundling boxes to recycle. Granted, this was a really necessary task to complete and quite satisfying at that. There were at least a hundred filling up my garage. So I did it. Three hours later, I was sitting, staring at my computer like this. Dissociating, directionless, dusty, ha! Why am I stuck? How do I release...myself?
Having recently found out that according to Human Design, I am a Manifesting Generator, I have started to understand that I am all about the details, yes, but I struggle to accept (at least at the moment) that I bring efficiency to the plan. This is clearly NOT the woman in the picture. I have been procrastinating and working intermittently for some time lately. I have not posted much or even with any consistency on social media over the summer. I have been in deep rest (going on 2.5 years now), healing, going steadily inward very determinedly. I have explored theories and philosophies, kept up with my favorite wellness and spiritual influencers, and taught myself strategies and techniques to manage self care (currently loving my Guasha routine) and nurture my self awareness. I've loved every minute I spend learning. I still can't get enough! And yet, there are days like today. I know that when my head hits the pillow, I will have a list of things I didn't do on my mind and I won't feel very good about myself. That's what Manifesting Generators will experience from time to time. "They" who study this, say to watch one's response to make the most of our abilities. It took me a while to understand what meant by response.
Last night, I tossed and turned quite a bit which isn't unusual for me, but I did something very different, I responded differently. When I woke up to flip over for the umpteenth time, my mind and spirit felt awful. Flipping over helped alleviate the physical discomfort I was feeling, but I was in an awful mood and I recognized it. This alone, was an important development for me. Instead of letting it take root like I always do and let it turn into eyes-wide-open worry hour(s), I told myself: don't compound this by shaming yourself, don't try to understand anything right now, just accept the feeling and let it move through you without obstacle. I physically felt exactly where in my body (between my throat and upper abdomen) the feeling was sitting. It felt like an expansive tightening, a gripping, and as if by recognizing its location, it felt seen. It was my acknowledgement that allowed it to move. And move it did! I felt the energy roll from my throat, to my chest, to my upper abdomen and once there, it unfurled and washed out of my body. It was like the feeling of my body as a child when I would lie in bed after a full day in the water at the beach, and I could still feel the ocean waves flooding and receding over my legs. It is such a vivid sensation that I could close my eyes and actually feel it all over again. This continued to happen twice more at least. When it stopped, I fell asleep. Fast.
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, the neuroanatomist, says an emotion takes 90 seconds to come and go, in other words, the physiological lifespan in the mind and body. After that, humans just seem to "re-stimulate their internal circuitry", we relive it. My humble guess is because our humanness is rather inept at accepting the intangibility of the process. Well, what the hell was that? Certainly it couldn't have been real so I must put myself through it again." And I would even opine that it plays out on a subconscious level. We intrinsically don't trust ourselves enough to let our bodies take the wheel. Brené Brown, the researcher and author, says that vulnerability "sounds like truth and feels like courage". I say it does and it is. The body is the metronome, our feelings the tune.
The Earth has the Schumann Resonance, we have emotional vibration, energy.
Take a second and without speaking ask yourself what your first name is. How quickly did that come in? That's because it is truth. Our entire beings know truth. We just endeavor relentlessly to sabotage the delivery which is powered by intuition. Now in the same way, ask yourself to label how you are feeling currently. I bet that took longer. We have to stop a second, maybe think a bit, maybe recap our day, what annoyed us or made us smile, if we can even summon a response at all. At that point, we have sabotaged the delivery, the intuition. Now we are constructing truth. Once we do that, we have pulled out the metaphorical plug from our body. We can't release what we don't allow ourselves to intuit. Ask and the answer will surface but be ready, it comes at lightening speed.
So, what will I do tonight, will I go to bed and toss and turn with silly regrets or will I intend to respond differently? Will I decide to discover the hiding spots of my feelings and set the vibration free? I think I might just wink at the moon for a wave of intuition.
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